张国荣 - 我

there is a certain lure of things that remind you of your roots.

on days where even my favourite songs don't satisfy, i read the lyrics of the language instinctive to me but don't think in terms of. there are the song lyrics you understand, the ones you believe in, and the ones you hope to believe in but can't.

-

I am what I am　
我是　我多麼特別的我

多慶幸　大地有不只一種足印
神造世人　種種色色都有他公允
我很慶幸　站在我屋頂快樂做人
拿著我心　告訴世界何謂勇敢
...

＊我是什麼　在十個當中只得一個
葡萄園裡　響起水仙子的讚歌
我是什麼　是萬世沙礫當中一顆
石頭大這麼多　我也會喜歡這個我

我很慶幸　萬物眾生中磊落做人
懷著誠懇　告訴世界何謂勇敢

＊我是什麼　在十個當中只得一個
葡萄園裡　響起水仙子的讚歌
我是什麼　是萬世沙礫當中一顆
石頭大這麼多　感激天生這個我

at this point i should write some absurdist piece and wrap it in a strange piece of music, if i'm able to write one that defies the conventional flow of chords.

Tokyo Kosei - Nuovo Cinema Paradiso

collected parcel and left it somewhere. discounted moleskines my friends and i bought online. was lost in thoughts and unaware of surroundings as usual. what is wrong with me.

today i woke up and felt like if things continue, i will be capable of writing an absurdist piece.

when in doubt turn to music

trapped

On the train

I feel none of it

stop trying to show people who you are.
gets on the nerves.

i can't see beyond the present.

home

In the dead of night - flakes of monochrome with the exception of reflective surfaces bringing to life the colour of lights.

This is what i return to time and time again, the only thing that untangles my mind. 

All my headache-stricken self could manage last night was a photo even though my fingers were itching so badly to play on it; so i sat myself down this afternoon till 11 to practice the technicalities - scales and some pieces i haven't touched since forever.

Feel like this is the discipline i've lacked all these years. The only option is to get better. 

holidays will be dedicated to

1) the technicalities of music-making
2) reading up on more philosophy.
3) creating two art pieces (just to scrape some rust off)

"It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom.” 

~ Edgar Allan Poe

accumulation

survival is not possible, not even conceivable in the slightest sense.

you know i try so hard to find a reason to want something desperately, but i really can't. and maybe it's unfair. and on nights like this it makes me feel like..like.. i'm so confused i don't even know what, and there is no time for other thoughts. work is an excuse for everything else. now, work.

"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve". - Tolkien

“a person who had ceased to grow was called a character, while one continuing to develop.. was called characterless, in a derogatory sense.. because he was so hard to catch, classify and keep track of" 

August Strindberg

"Write as precisely and as lucidly and as richly as you can about what you find truly mysterious and irreducible about human experience, and not obscurely about what will prove to be received opinion or cliché once the reader figures out your stylistic conceit. There's all the difference in the world between mystery and mystification." - Paul Harding

(stolen from kel)

Four more days to growth :)

I saw her and we talked about the past and those saltish things started welling up again and i feel more drained than ever. But i'm glad i have someone who's not a friend that i can talk to because you don't want to be a burden to your friends and it is sometimes nice to talk to someone who will never ever be your friend.

I read part of a book on the table which quoted, 'in solitude, where we are least alone' and understand it so well.

2 days to finals - 4 papers. And i have barely started, yet i can't make myself panic. What on earth is happening? I've seem to lost the ability to panic - just like how i've casually handed in almost all my essays late. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME, WHAT? The mind keeps drifting off elsewhere. Stopitstopitstopitstopitstopit :[

A tribute to my cosy corner room on the 19th floor

feel the need to quickly express my love for this room:

I love how lonely my room is; it craves for my company, this oddly shaped space tucked in a corner of the 19th floor

This is my sanctuary, this quiet, private, calm space, a bubble. It hears footsteps and occasional voices, but never the sight of human disturbance.

On lovely breezy afternoons i lie on the bed with the door wide open, and feel such gratitude for so much privacy i can enjoy in this cool open space.

Granted, there are times where i feel as lonely as the room and wish one of those footsteps would get louder instead of disappear - or perhaps, for a bag of surprise that would find its way on the door knob.

Well, people generally show up just to disappear in a while. This room finds one or two (rather) frequent and different visitors each semester - and becomes a bubble for two when light sleeps, drunk on darkness.

A door creaks open, but nothing is headed my way - no need for a squeezed smile or random utterances of noises. The fan spins steadily while i nurse my backache on this lovely afternoon with the phone and laptop tucked away.

How will i ever move out of here... Not to mention how wonderful a view it has of the town green, src, erc and burning flames from the oil refineries  TEMBUSU I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

(22/7, 3:30)

People leave at their will, not yours

Can't

Living in the past and holding on to the achievements once earned. You have not grown.

too much pent up emotions

Ryuichi Sakamoto - Energy Flow

so much power such waves hold.

101 strings orchestra - white christmas

my favourite kind of christmas song.

i think of you when i think of music like these - and realise that getting the slightest form of recognition from you is so important. there must be other reasons as to why there is now a gap between us, but this must the greatest reason why i am unable to deal with this properly. this feeling of being thrown aside, as i have done to others.

I think of 2011 whenever I face problems with my self worth. This is the very note I've pasted into my ipod right before I entered the room, Kings of Convenience's misread playing in my ears. 

I often do not speak in front of  people, besides the ones who are extremely close to me. I was never sure of the reason, but when he tells us that "we speak because the world needs to hear what we have to say", i realised I've never thought of the value of my words to other people. Little, I'd think.


Up till now, I still don't understand what Marianne Williamson means by "our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure". I don't understand it, and all i seek for is to fully grasp what she means. 

I have not grown since two years ago; it is in the presence of others like him that helps me to. This is a note written by my teacher I respect greatly, to serve as a reminder at times like now. There must be something I must do about this heavy feeling.

“Three years ago, a person i hardly knew decided to contribute to my life by sharing with me a written verse from a woman called Marianne Williamson. Admittedly, at the beginning of our journey together I had no idea what it all meant ... a year later, this became one of the most significant pieces of literature that I personally choose to live by.

The piece is titled "our deepest fear" and it speaks such amazing wisdom into what we really experience as people; for our deepest fear is not that we will fail... but our deepest fear is that we will succeed. Why else do we spend time bashing ourselves up, doubting, not trusting ... why else do we reject or not listen to that tiny voice that tells us ever so often, "that you were meant for something great". why else do we not speak truth when we sense it, and put on a pedestal those people who do...

listen to what she says...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child, created for a purpose. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

too often students tell me how much i have changed their life and brought learning, healing and dignity to how they live... but what they do not hear is when i say time and again that I am only who I am because of you. It is something I pray that you can receive before you go into this exam for it is so essential that you understand your contribution to my life. At our last class this year I stayed in the audi just listening and reflecting to what my heart was telling me ... that I am filled with nothing but awe and gratitude for you trusting what we have learnt over the year. I am dignified by your openness. I am deeply encouraged by your response. and yes, I too am healed and do not feel alone because I know that there are others with me who also believe that we can make a difference to this world. So that last night, I went down on my knees and prayed for all of you ... that you would receive the same wisdom, love and blessing that you have each individually brought to my life.

I take this exam tomorrow, not because I want to compete with you, but because I want to be with you. To stand in solidarity with you. For we do not take this exam alone, we take it as a community of people who stand for excellence, but also for love. I take this exam so that you know that you are not alone in this endeavor to speak your voice, that there are 400 other students this year who shared the same experience as you ... that we take this exam not because we fear, but because the world needs us to speak.

This subject is more than just stringing a bunch of examples together. It is more than the mechanics of question analysis and argument. This subject is relevant to all of us, because it is about your voice. A clear one. An honest one. And if my life is anything to go by... your voice is one that can bring meaning, healing and dignity to the man or woman half way across the world that would be privileged to hear what you have to say.

Say something worth saying for this person is going to give you half an hour of their undivided time to listen... so make a difference to their life by giving them an argument worth remembering. And do not fear that your voice will be alone.. for it wont.

You see ... breakdowns happen everyday. Things do not go the way that we plan. And the main tool we have to any situation is rarely preparation but rather ingenuity and resourcefulness. Why Japan was so inspiring was because underneath all the flash of their technology and modernity was a country driven by deep resolve, wisdom and stoicism. That when the tsunami peeled back the layers of their civilsation, it did not expose chaos, evilness and disarray ... but rather a community of people who knew who they were. Japan spoke more to the world through their actions and silence than most of the meaningless noise that we hear today.

It is my prayer that each of us find grounding in the truth that we are no different. For beneath the layers of all that we have prepared also lies resourcefulness. clarity. I know that we might feel anxious or scared ... and if we do, know that you are not alone in that emotion. know that I am also with you. and perhaps more mportant, know that many many prayers are also upon you.

Thank you for this year.

It was my privilege to have served you.

For now, we go into the exam as equals. as partners.

I wish you all the very very best.”

-----------


“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child, created for a purpose. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Marianne Williamson

withdrawing back into my private space, turning back into who i was many years ago. the past keeps resurfacing these days, these feelings i have now remind me of it. i feel distant and detached from everyone, i have brought people down with my confusion.

-

people come and go. you thought the one or two would make an exception and stay for a much longer ride, but nobody can beat against the current.

no, do something about it. 

-

why is it always so sad?
it is exceptionally sad today.

fool, look outwards. look beyond.

look up and talk to others.
you should be enough.
you are enough.

"Less of me. More of you."

hi i hope you don't mind me sharing this :)

-

It’s easy to feel uncared for when people aren’t able to communicate and connect with you in the way you need. And it’s so hard not to internalize that silence as a reflection on your worth. But the truth is that the way other people operate is not about you. Most people are so caught up in their own responsibilities, struggles, and anxiety that the thought of asking someone else how they’re doing doesn’t even cross their mind. They aren’t inherently bad or uncaring — they’re just busy and self-focused. And that’s okay. It’s not evidence of some fundamental failing on your part. It doesn’t make you unloveable or invisible. It just means that those people aren’t very good at looking beyond their own world. But the fact that you are — that despite the darkness you feel, you have the ability to share your love and light with others — is a strength. Your work isn’t to change who you are; it’s to find people who are able to give you the connection you need. Because despite what you feel, you are not too much. You are not too sensitive or too needy. You are thoughtful and empathetic. You are compassionate and kind. And with or without anyone’s acknowledgment or affection, you are enough. 

written by Daniell Koepke (via internal-acceptance-movement)

-

△

your deliberate distance is upsetting. 

(though it seems like it's forbidden to feel this way)

i. courage and initiative.

ii. look outwards, look beyond you.
notice the people around, care for them.

The very thought that i will be unimpressive
Is paralyzing. Terrifying.

I'd rather not try.
No point trying if you will not impress.
I stopped trying.

-

But try you must,
Let your mediocrity be known, if that be the truth
Stroke after stroke, of varying consistencies -- tracked progress
There is value in both progress and excellence.

-

It is a stubborn insistence, this view that the effortlessly amazing ones are the only admirable ones. You want to be that person, but you can't, so divert your ideals elsewhere.

Ideals are also standards you set for yourself before the others impose theirs on you. Ideals are a safety net. Grow up already.

Gave up too soon

there is a dull existence trying, in vain, to blow life into a dead body which was claimed as 'mine' just a few hours ago..

-

pasting this everywhere just in case I can't be found anywhere.

the air is sterile.
i like it. 
i like being away from people.

people scare the shit out of me sometimes.
by that, i mean 
being linked to people scares the shit out of me.

i can't accept myself.
i can't accept anyone.

people don't see you as yourself when you're with others.
that scares me.
a hell lot.

because that means there's only half of me within control.

Gave up.

choose the red pill and TAKE IT.

Sometimes you find articles that express every single thought on your mind; those that you're already fully conscious of but never had the time and energy to pen down:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/06/why-perfectionism-is-ruin_n_4212069.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false

sigh.

in there they scream, let me out, let me out. let me out.
till it runs dry.

this i will be seen as you in all instances except this
the beetle in the box.

Inez: Why did you hurt her like that?
Garcin: It was so easy. A word was enough to make her flinch. Like a sensitive plant. But never, never a reproach.

-

Jean-Paul Sartre - No Exit

better, better, better

Island by Aldous Huxley

It's dark because you are trying too hard.
Lightly child, lightly.
Learn to do everything lightly.
Yes, feel lightly even though you're feeling deeply.
Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them.
I was so preposterously serious in those days, such a humorless little prig.
Lightly, lightly – it's the best advice ever given me.
When it comes to dying even.
Nothing ponderous, or portentous, or emphatic.
No rhetoric, no tremolos, no self conscious persona putting on its celebrated imitation of Christ or Little Nell.  
And of course, no theology, no metaphysics.
Just the fact of dying and the fact of the clear light.  
So throw away your baggage and go forward.
There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair.
That's why you must walk so lightly.
Lightly my darling, on tiptoes and no luggage, not even a sponge bag, completely unencumbered.

------

it is this lightness i know i should have, but do not want.

I can't write anymore.. Why?

Guilt
Confusion
Guilt
Inadequacy
Confusion
Confusion
Escapism

listen to what they're saying. 

speak not for validation.

how can they love someone who's so tiring to be with

how can they love someone who doesn't first accept herself

i want to tear my soul out of this cage, contracting, tensed
can't think at all or be productive in this state.

-

stay strong.
give me the permission to break apart for a little while

and then i will be strong.

no, hold yourself together.

-

your absence is something i can only accept.
emotions are pointless. devastating. pointless.

But there really is no reason.

~!@#$%6&*- is all. even then, much can be inferred.

it is odd to have friends, or to be associated with people. your friends are tagged to your identity, they're part of you. sometimes you stare at some of your friends and wonder why the hell you're friends. they seem so foreign. seem so foreign.

trust that they understand your odd thoughts, and vice versa. else you don't speak of them and assume you can still be great friends in other areas. people are so distant.

enjoying solitary pursuits with the phone tucked safely in the drawer for the past three hours and feeling productive after rushing out an assignment. Perhaps having little sleep is what is needed for concentration. 

my posts are so boringly non-reflective meh.

Tiny 1-minute reminder: Been a little too busy and absorbed in tasks that i forgot to give and provide for others. people have been helping me the past week, it's time to give back. Get up on your feet, settle your own problems and notice others' needs.

Dances with wolves

so addicted to this piece, i'm really glad to be part of this. here is where my priorities lie, and it really shouldn't matter if i'm good enough. as long as i don't drag the section down and continue to improve at my own pace, all is fine. all is fine if it's something you love and you're willing to choose it over the rest.

stop keeping to yourself and putting yourself down.
Why do people feel the need to express themselves.
I am thinking about pointless stuff.

Two conversations,

One:

"I think I've even learnt to love myself now"
"How do you know you love yourself?"
"you know what you're good at and feel like you're surrounded by people who care about you"

what does it feel like to love yourself? i realised i've never thought of the question, and i guess i've never known. One day, perhaps.

-

Two (which was more like a talk-response thing rather than a balanced conversation):

- Progression is the path to freedom and humanity
- with chaos comes creativity
- it's a process of tension/resolution that ideally leads to a stage of perfection, of freedom
- to rebel for freedom, is to rebel without an idea in mind - only then will that be complete freedom
- Socrates - true knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing. the point is to critique every single thing you're learning.
- the importance of self critique
- and it always ends with, "what is philosophy?". Not of just the logical and rational, but the study of humanity.

-

Feel so glad to be in a place surrounded by people willing to learn. I don't exactly know what saying "knowledge makes me so happy" means, but that is simply it. It is about finding your place; constantly critiquing others' works to know what you believe in. Meanwhile, I'll try to be more well-read myself and contribute to conversations. I don't want to be taking from others all the time, being good at listening is not enough.

You know why we don't understand? Because we're jaded individuals within a system. Because we can't find reasons to rise above the sway of things. Because we feel trapped but we don't have the energy to do something about it. Because we might not be as fortunate to be able to step out of this place.

Yes, we should step out of the system and know what the hell we're doing with our goddamn life. Tell us about the need to be aware of what we're doing with life when we have a break. We're sometimes too tired to be excellent, but exhaustion is temporary. Most of us will come to understand at some point. It's impossible to attempt to make someone understand, it's good enough to make them aware, they'll come to a realisation when the situation demands for it.

Radiohead - Morning Bell (Amnesiac version)

(I prefer this version)


Radiohead - Morning Bell (Kid A version)

-


Thom Yorke - Last Flowers (Live from the basement)

Lost count of the number of times i've posted this, but this one's calm creepy sublime beautiful all rolled into one. It was used in the film Kokuhaku (which I should download and watch again soon).

Ólafur Arnalds - Only the Winds

:)

It seems like everyone is afraid and tired of emotion; like it's an unspoken rule to not speak of them. Then where do they leak to? They end up in cloudy black jars. Someone shines the strobe light on the jars, catching flashes of the murky waters, and leaves them alone to settle.

Waking up to a room of darkness does something to you.

---

I am guilty for being upset, for I feel too much and too easily. Things are kept in a Pandora's box, it'd be sorry if anybody opened it. It's been months yet i can't seem to solve the root of the problem; emotions still simmering beneath a surface. Muted.

The world is moving on, and so should you, and you think you are. The words hurt you so - it is telling when you can still remember every single one of it, and they shape the way you think.

Then stand up for yourself, move on. Why let yourself be affected when you know you're not being treated fairly?

--

Because you're unsure. Unsure if it's true that you make people want to mistreat you, because you do not know if you are good enough to be cared for. You do not know how to be well liked, even by the very few whom you care for. Efforts don't count, effects do.

The worst part is that you also ignore the ones whom you find tiring to be with - it makes a complete loop and there is no way out. It simply feels like reality that people do not deserve to be loved if they do not know how to be.

Signs - stiffening of the shoulders, allowing myself to get the precious ones in the stash, two corners that won't turn up.

Nonetheless, plough through the week, there is no time for anything other than productivity.


Death Cab for Cutie -  A lack of colour

there are those times where you scream 'i love this band so much!', and a fellow fan excited exclaims in return, 'ahh finally! do you know ____ song, it's so good right!', and you realize you don't know it. Then comes the moment of disappointment. It doesn't really help that such standards are assumed and not said explicitly.

It's almost like a must to know (not necessarily love) the band's entire discography before calling yourself a fan. I mean, of course they wouldn't deny your positive feelings for them, they just won't think you love them enough (or as much as they do). It seems as though those positive feelings have to be enough in order to be called love. 

To accept that is kind of like saying, you have to know the essence of a person (up to this point) before you can say you really love them. [We assume that the essence of a singer = her songs. Essence being the qualities of a person/object that can't be lost, or else s/he/it will cease to be the person/object]. 

It makes sense theoretically and idealistically, but in actual fact, most of us don't even know or can't figure out the essence of the person we love even after death. It doesn't make sense to say 'if that's the case, we haven't really loved anyone after all'.

Thus to make things simpler, enough, or anything that brings about comparison should just be taken out of the equation. Simply, we are entitled to love, since we are unable to define what the essence is. (like how the assumption that essence of a singer = her songs could be wrong).

-

Yeah right, I don't believe in having no standards. I have standards of love that I'm continually trying to define, and am unable to take 'there isn't really an answer' for an answer. Because I'm afraid of getting hurt, what else.

-

Moral of the story is, as of now, I think it shouldn't be a requirement to know the band's discography to love them.. i've digressed.

'I'm not talented, so the least I could do is to be good at appreciating what I love'. And really, that's enough.

Why are you still talking to someone who no longer cares?

Liszt - Un Sospiro (from 3 concert etudes)


Debussy - Reverie

Music is the only distraction and inspiration. Today's practice was thoroughly enlightening and energy-lifting, simply because of the presence of someone inspiring. Greatest lesson: don't keep drilling and hope things will turn out ok. Be flexible and try new methods. Change things all around and keep thinking. Keep thinking. Also remember: Humility, and listen to suggestions attentively.

I improved a little (just a little) bit on the flute today, next week's drilling time, baby. (this one requires drilling, and of course some tips). I must also find time to get back to the piano and try to be more emotive/have a lighter touch. For stressed late nights.

Will work on talking to people after this week! Apologies for my general unresponsiveness towards everyone.

Are we supposed to keep our grievances to ourselves? It does not sound ideal. But there are no ideals, people are separate beings. We are born alone and we die alone, that is that. It is the natural state of things, keep telling yourself that it is nothing to be upset about.

a dull ache aching. i hate it when people always think i'm enthusiastic and bubbly and am ok. They always assume

sorry i've been uncaring and unresponsive lately.

sort yourself out.



Joshua Bell - Estrellita


Aya Nagatomi playing Beethoven's Pathetique mvt 1
-


Antonio Vivaldi - Sinfonia "Al Santo Sepolcro" RV169

When in doubt, listen to depressing classical pieces.

List of things I am upset about that cannot be made public

Tokyo Kosei Wind Orchestra - Star Wars Trilogy

Terrible feeling to be inadequate in something you love so much. To be fair, I'm still kind of new, but it is not an excuse.

A well deserved break from the world on a wednesday.

I woke up late and wrote in the book I haven't touched in ages and am feeling much better.



Reo Speedwagon - In my dreams

In your dreams you get what you really want. In the state of knowing I should be up to read my readings, and to fall back into non-reality, I chose the latter. From all my muted emotions the past weeks and even months, it was a relief to see all the issues presenting themselves to me in the form of dreams.

It doesn't matter if things are resolved in dreams, but completely different when I wake up. At least I know what have been bothering me. It's difficult when I have been pushing many thoughts aside recently - it's become a habit. Because emotions mean hurt and unproductivity. Be rational and life goes on.

Ok there's only so much time I have left here. People have been sucking up too much time in my life. I don't feel I am growing in anyone's presence, and there is barely time for myself. I'm sorry to say this, as much I do enjoy the company of some. Perhaps I ought to be alone.

Sleep is needed i feel stupid

most (not all) should leave me alone, i find myself an unbearably boring person to converse with these days.

To be honest, i don't care much about getting closer to anyone these days. I want to, but process requires effort and genuine interest.

And more frankly speaking, i think i'm just tired of putting in my all to things that might not even last. It is in writing that i find myself, not in talking to people. I need more time alone but i do feel slightly lonely. This is rather horrible writing.

felt so out of touch with the flute. I need to be better. Or get into a new section like I had always planned to. If they have space for me.


貝殻のうた

-

the module on 20th century playwrights lifted my mood today.

Eric Clapton - I Shot the Sheriff

One word: eargasmic.

makes my veins dance and pop, SO SO GOOD.

-


ZZ Top - Sharp dressed man


The Black Keys - Psychotic Girl


Derek and the Dominos - Layla

through his words i felt i saw a glimpse of what freedom could be like. freedom in the sense of being an individual, learning about the world. he saved up for travels, went off alone to a continent across the seas and had brief encounters with people like himself.

out of curiosity, and perhaps loneliness, we tend to be eager to tie ourselves down to another person. inevitably, the freedom gets taken away. love, in all forms, often robs us of the space to be ourselves. but maybe i'm seeing things the wrong way. love and freedom - not necessarily one or the other.

it is odd that i hate and am too used to the lack of freedom at the same time, such that i unconsciously steal breathing space from myself and others and regret it afterwards. first, i must learn to understand the space around me - how much i need, in what form, and when i need them. only then will you learn how much to give others, because things are not only about you or them. it is about the interaction of needs between two people, and it is a bitch to understand such things.

-

certain random incoherent thoughts: 

it always seems like i'm ambivalent and unclear of what i want - but how is it possible to choose between so many things that keep me interested all at the same time?

i asked someone a ridiculous question - why do we need to 'see the world' when we could be happy living in our little bubble of only things that interest us?

the past two sleepless nights have been comfortably great as well. more of comfort than intensity as of now, which i've come to accept lately.

----

been ages since i've had the time to sit and write without having to replying to others. It is 6:30 am afterall.

i know i crave this space, to be alone in my 'sanctuary' (as a friend calls it), yet i do agree to meet others simply because some make me happy. only a few can make you alive, but you do not know who will, and who are the ones who will surprise you - so you take chances.

everything is about the balance.

On this particular Sunday Morning, I am feeling particularly dreary from all the pent up frustration. I feel like I'm being left behind by the ones I care about. Yet I ask myself again and again - what can be done? You can't change people, you can only change yourself. Thank you for making me give up on all ideas of confrontation, I used to be so hopeful. I'm finally leaving you behind, because the futility of my actions tire me out. And I do not deserve this. We do not.

U2 - Ultraviolet (light my way)

Freaking amazing song and performance.

You learn something from everyone you meet, but you can't always tell them.

the only thing i need now is to have two peaceful, undisturbed days without anyone. Or maybe I just need some sense of familiarity.. as opposed to my previous post.




Studio ghibli soundtracks.

Returning to something familiar.
Just what I need. This is really what I need. The purest form of expression without words (or at least those that I do not understand) Especially mononoke.

The greatest conversations are the ones that bring out the best in you, things that you don't consciously think of. Comfortable conversations where you don't feel the need to impress, where you don't have to conceal your real thoughts (for some might assume that you're speaking for the sake of impressing).

There are not many people who can make me speak. Most make you feel like you have to prove your worth through the words you utter, for they are constantly observing and judging and deciding if you're worth talking to. I do not want to prove my worth to the many out there who don't give a damn. Most people just drain me of energy. The great ones listen with an open mind; they know you speak not for validation, but simply for expression and connection.

Today was nothing short of great - I decided to take on more responsibility during practice today and controlled my impatient side. Hopefully I was of the right help. Met three pleasant ones for lunch, with a familiar talk of the lifestyle overseas and school. An impromptu meet up of dinner and drinks with two new people that added freshness to my recently zombiefied mind. New people really do give you energy - I am reminded of my interview with Marli that brought me out, and allowed me to learn more about her lifestyle.

Traveling has been a recent 'hot' topic, perhaps because it's the holidays and we are finally of age. I want to travel to know people, because they offer you alternatives. Knowing the place is not enough. It's not just learning about the difference in culture, but of the many different personalities that exist, shaped in ways we cannot comprehend until we speak to them. They also brought out the appeal of towns with character, which I fully and completely agree with.

This has been the best day since a whole month or maybe two, perhaps with the help of the lightness I have gained from meeting some at the conference I have worked for the past four days. You just need to find the right people to talk to.

Since this unhappiness is unreasonable, let's just pretend it's moodiness.

death

Last night I witnessed how beautiful my mother can be - her passage basically summed up the life of my grandmother. We were always in grandma's thoughts, even though her way of expressing it inconvenienced and annoyed us often. I thought of what I would say about my own mother many years down the road and teared.

I wondered about how I'm worrying about the future instead of mourning for grandmother. Some cried while they lowered grandma into the incinerator, and knew the tears were actually mostly for my grandfather. Casually, I imagined one of us getting into an accident while we were on the way to the crematorium. What would happen then? Do the dead or dying matter more?

-

It is not easy to mourn for the dead when they are right in front of us, or perhaps it is just me. All of them spoke to the cool, icy side of the glass while I stared at those features that no longer reminded me of her. I couldn't hear her voice in my head either.

We cry about change. Nothing really changed this time - I visited her the number times I normally would when I visit hong kong, and till our next visit, I will be alright about the loss.

-

There's one thing though, I don't know what is wrong with me because my default mood is that of sadness.

not enough to withdraw from the mob

Read this while waiting for the ceremony to begin:

"Socrates was told that one man was not improved by travel. 'I'm sure he was not', he said. 'He went with himself!'

If you do not first lighten yourself and your soul of the weight of your burdens, moving about will only increase their pressure on you, as a ship's cargo is less troublesome when lashed in place. You do more harm than good to a patient by moving him about: you shake his illness down into the sack, just as you drive stakes in by pulling and waggling them about.

That is why it is not enough to withdraw from the mob, not enough to go to another place: we have to withdraw from such attributes of the mob as are within us. It is our own self we have to isolate and take back into possession."


- of the three days I got to explore the older districts of hong kong, I felt like I didn't learn much about the places besides how visually different they are from the newer districts. As much as I loved the slower pace and enjoyed being away from the newer districts sorely lacking in character, my mind was in a world of its own, never really light. I had tried so hard to strip away the presence of other humans, but was never really satisfyingly alone.

2 weeks in hk, 21st, camp

two weeks in hong kong, my 21st birthday, and a camp has passed. It's been almost a month since i've had proper rest (discounting the few days of exploring in hong kong).  I chose to be detached from the people at camp this time.

In a few more hours, i'd be on a plane to hong kong yet again. Guess there'll only be time to write next week, all my mind understands is the feeling of exhaustion.

My aunt talked to me in the afternoon, I like this place. She shared with me the things about the family I never knew of - every family has a story, even this warm one that makes us feel welcome every time we return.